


SELF-INSERT OC RWBY FANFICTION REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

by AzulCieloTheDragon



Category: RWBY
Genre: Action/Adventure, F/M, Gen, Humor, Memes, Original Character(s), Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, POV First Person, POV Original Character, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:55:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25794736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AzulCieloTheDragon/pseuds/AzulCieloTheDragon
Summary: Remember those four random people that Yang ran off with at the start of Volume 1? Yup, that's us. We're the Boiz, and we are LEGENDARY. This is the story of how we wreck Beacon Academy.





	1. Disclaimer

**Before going into this story, I have a warning for you.**

**This fic contains characters from another fic by TheGoose2012 on Fanfiction.net, titled "In RWBY's Shadow". They have given me permission to use said characters in my own, provided I follow the terms of our agreement. The terms are as follows:**

**1) I am not allowed to kill their characters.**

**2) I have agreed to not have their characters say any swear words.**

**3) I have to credit them for the characters...but, I mean, I guess I kinda just did, so uh, yeah. There we go.**

**Anyway, if you have not yet read "In RWBY's Shadow", then you are advised to not read this one first. It may contain spoilers for the other, much superior fanfic. I STRONGLY suggest you go and read the fic first, as you will not be disappointed. I myself consider it to be a monument to character development and the gold standard when it comes to the art of OCs. Here is the link:<https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13168829/1/In-RWBY-s-Shadow>**

**If you ignore this warning and read ahead anyway without having read "In RWBY's Shadow", then you are a loser and an uncultured peasant who faps to hentai, and you hate Avatar the Last Airbender except for Book 1 Episode 11, "The Great Divide", and you ship Qrow and Ruby. And also you drank Belle Delphine's bathwater and liked it.**


	2. Me and the boiz

'Sup, losers.

My name's Elias Greene, and I am the single, absolute _smecksiest_ son-of-a-bitch to ever receive a letter of acceptance from Beacon Academy.

Yes indeed, with my imposing 5'5", 125lbs figure, back-length colonial-style ponytail, scruffy goatee, and John Lennon sunglasses...nobody can stand against my hotness! NOBODYYYY!

Well, except my friends from Signal, 'cause none of them are into guys. Also all the people that just don't like me (not a lot of those, though, I'm usually pretty agreeable). And the teachers, too, because God forbid. And also pretty much everyone else at Signal, from the looks of it...

I mean, I'm pretty sure at least _one_ person had eyes for me. No idea as to who that might be, but in a school of four hundred horny teenagers, I _seriously_ doubt that my nigh-perfect asscheeks went unnoticed. 'Course, I'm also not really surprised that I didn't notice; even with the generally higher-than-average levels of testosterone resident in the female students there, girls generally aren't as open about their attractions as us guys are. The exceptions, as I have managed to observe thus far, are usually the lesbians. (Usually.)

So, anyway. I went to Signal, applied to Beacon. They let me in. Not a huge surprise, seeing that I was definitely somewhere in Signal's top ten, and that a good sixty percent of Beacon's attendees are Signal graduates - but still, I felt like a badass! Especially considering how I started out.

So, there I was, on one of those giant airships that probably cost Vale a bajillion Lien to buy from Atlas, chilling with the Boiz.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. I'm one of the Boiz.

The Boiz are the four dankest boiz in Signal. We are legendary. The Boiz consists of me, Jacobin Fells, Woodheart Rhine, and Cas Magent.

Jacobin (pronounced "YAH-koh-bin"; we just call him Jac, pronounced "Jake") is the memelord of the Boiz. He's the tall one in purple-red armor and the big mechashift gun-sword, with his hair shaved on the sides and the middle kept long and flopped to the side and dyed maroon (or something like that). All that, plus being the one with the biggest social media presence, makes him the de-facto face of the Boiz.

Now, y'all might be wondering what sort of colors Jac's name could possibly refer to. The answer is absolutely none. You see, the whole thing after the Great War with naming kids after colors was a really popular trend that turned into a tradition, but it's not like there were any laws that said you _had_ to name your kids a certain way. I mean, come on - that's exactly the sort of authoritarianistic thing that Vale and Vacuo were fighting against in the first place! So while it was extremely popular and widespread, there were obviously some people who just didn't jump on the bandwagon. Jac's family is one of those old families who wanted to keep with the traditions of their family names, and so they did.

Anyway, enough about Jac, he's boring anyway.

Woodheart (we call him Woodie) is the muscle-bound monster of a snake-Faunus with the windswept hair, camo vest, and giant gauntlets. You can tell he's snake because of the sporadic patches of brown scales on his body, and also because of his eyes - the pupils are vertically-running slits, rather than circular. He's also the de-facto edgelord of the Boiz, partially because he is generally the most serious and outwardly driven of us, and mostly because he likes to discuss dark topics for the heck of it. And also because he carries around a sniper rifle, even though he doesn't usually use it.

And then there's Cas.

Cas is the skinny one with the sabre, orange-ish half-cape, stringy brown hair, and rectangle glasses. He's typically the only one of us who _really_ thinks about what he's doing before he starts beating the shit out of everything. Of course, despite his appearance, he's indisputably the best out of all of us at doing just that, mostly because of his stupidly OP Semblance. Actually, to be honest, all of us have pretty powerful Semblances...but I'll get into that later, hehe!

So, anyway, we were on our way to Beacon. As per the norm, we stayed huddled together in a secluded corner of the ship, but this time we were extra cautious about anyone else listening in. What we were talking about was of the utmost secrecy.

"So," Woodie was saying, "Do we need to go over the plan again before we land?"

"Bruh," I said back, "it's like, two steps: put on the blindfold as soon as we land, and - "

But they all shushed me, and I shushed immediately, realizing in horror what could have happened. See, I am both blessed and cursed with a voice box like a contrabassoon reed (which means it's really, really deep). It's great for enhancing my smecksiness and scaring the ever-living shit out of people, but Gad-damned, does it carry! This means I have to be _very_ careful when trying to talk quietly, and considering my general sense of self-awareness, I usually fail spectacularly at that. Like I was doing right then.

We all looked around. Nobody seemed to have noticed. Made sense...everybody else was probably too busy thinking about how they were going to be attending BEACON FRIGGIN ACADEMY to care about what a bunch of doofy-looking boiz like us were talking about.

We decided that we didn't need to go over the plan again. After all, it was like, two steps.

We landed. We got off the plane. And then we all put on our sunglasses.

Jac donned his aviators.

Woodie sported his camo hunting shades.

I, of course, unleashed the glory of my John Lennons.

Cas tapped his prescription glasses, and they darkened into sunglasses.

The Boiz stepped onto the grounds of Beacon Academy like the utter badasses we were.

We went towards the school. I'm not sure if it was the shades, the stoic unity of our march, or our reputations as some of Signal's top fighters, but people actually got out of our way as we went. It felt awesome either way.

We got past all the others from our airship, and saw Beacon. It was big. It was pretty. And it was, uh...uh...

Oh, what the hell - you've all seen the show! You've all read, like, a hundred other fanfics describing the magnificent grandioseness of the school's arches and spires! You all know damn well what Beacon looks like, so I'm not gonna spend three whole-ass paragraphs describing it. Ain't nobody got time for that shit.

Anyway, we started approaching a crowd of students from another airship that had landed before ours. We pressed on, but then a familiar face caught our eyes - or, rather, a familiar explosion of human hair.

"Ayyy, it's Yang!" Jac shouted, even though we were five feet away from her. Now that it's suddenly relevant, I will mention that Yang is not only a good friend of ours, but also an honorary member of the Boiz, even though she's female. There are a few reasons for this. The first is that she is a memelord herself, and therefore speaks our language of stale memes. The second is that she also has epic sunglasses, a prerequisite to being one of the Boiz. The third is that she basically just let herself into our group. Well, kinda - she was already friends with Woodie because they liked to spar a lot and all that, but then she just started hanging out with all of us. It wasn't our idea in the first place, but we did not mind it one single iota. (Kinda sucked when we found out she was lesbian, tho.)

It was indeed Yang, and her sister was there, too. It looked like they had been talking about stuff, but as soon as Yang saw us, she went over to us and immediately started spouting out sentences rapid-fire:

"Well-actually-my-friends-are-here-gotta-go-catch-up-K-see-ya-bye!"

And she grabbed Cas and me with one arm each and lifted us off our feet by the backs of our shirts.

"Hurr derp?" I blurted out, confused. Yang subjected us to this sort of roughhousing on a fairly regular basis, but the context seemed strange in this instance. Before I could say anything else, she used Cas and me to push Woodie and Jac alongside her as she ran off towards the school.

"C'mon, guys, hurry up!"

We all babbled out some half-baked assortment of questions and confused noises for a couple hundred meters or so until we reached the great pillars of the Academy. Yang looked behind her as if making sure nobody had followed us, and finally dropped us smaller guys.

"What was that all about?" said Woodie.

"Huh? Oh, I'm just forcing Ruby to socialize and make friends."

We all looked to each other.

"...Uh..." said Jac. "You could've just had her talk to us?"

"You don't count!" Yang retorted. "You've already met her before."

This was true; we had met Ruby a couple of times in the past, and the girl was exceedingly awkward. I think she might have said, like, five words the first time Yang introduced her to us. The second time was when we were at Yang's house. The subject of weapons came up, and she absolutely would _not_ stop talking about them. We made a combined effort to make it an even back-and-forth dialogue, but to no avail. That time was also exceedingly awkward. Don't get me wrong, Ruby really did strike me as a swell person, but she just had none of her half-sister's social aptitude.

And she undoubtedly remembered both interactions with us very well, which would make any future -

\- and then I realized that Yang was trying to give Ruby a fresh start with new people, rather than have her relive her past slip-ups. Awww...now, that's a good big sister for you!

"So, uh. Now what?" I said. Cas shrugged.

"We go into Beacon and kick ourselves some _ass!_ " said Yang, smashing her fists together in a burst of fire. That seemed like a good plan. We all cheered our assent.

So, the five of us went to the auditorium. Details on how we got there or on how long it took us to get there will not be disclosed. But we made it there on time. A whole bunch of other people were there. We just sorta squeezed our way through to this random spot in the audience. Why we collectively chose this spot, I still have no idea, but we did. Then we just stood there and waited for stuff to happen, as one does.

"It's kinda dark," I said. "You think they got a busted light up there or something?"

"Maybe you should take your glasses off," said Cas. Dammit, he was right. I removed my John Lennons, and my smecksiness levels decreased from infinity and one, to just infinity. It was tragic.

Eventually, we saw Ruby enter the nearly full auditorium with this dude in armor and jeans. Yang waved to her, and she hopped on over to us. The Boiz nodded our greetings, then went back to staring into silence as the insanity of a bunch of people talking at once threatened to overwhelm our senses. But our attention was secured (well, mine and Jac's, at least) when Ruby complained about having exploded. Now, _that_ was interesting!

We just sorta listened to their conversation, though it was kinda hard to make out what Ruby was saying over the general din; she didn't exactly have what you would call a big voice, and she clearly hadn't gotten the hang of projecting. Oh, boy, that reminds me of how I had to learn to project...see, I used to work at this convenience store place called Yeets -

Ah, shit, I'm getting off track. Anyway, we then saw two other girls approaching us. One of them I knew from Signal: Lilly Azura. Aw, hell...I shoulda known she'd be at Beacon with us. See, I had a thing for her back in third year, but that fizzled pretty quickly when I found out she didn't like me back. And not like, "I'm not interested in you," but like, "I really dislike you." Apparently, it was because she hated Yang for some reason, and since we were her friends, she didn't like us, either. None of us ever asked Yang why Lilly hated her, because girl feuds are NOT to be interfered in.

Anyway, there was Lilly and this girl with white hair who I didn't know. My battle mode immediately switched on when I saw the look on the other girl's face. I'd seen that look many times before at Yeet's.

She looked like she wanted to speak with my manager.

 _"YOU!"_ she snapped. I stepped to the side to face them head-on, and Jac turned with me. Turns out, she was actually yelling at Ruby, because the girl squeaked in fear and jumped into Yang's arms. The white-haired girl started yelling at Ruby about how she almost blew them off a cliff, and I felt bad. I remembered withering like a dried flower under the wrath of many a Karen during my younger, more emotionally vulnerable years, and I thought about getting involved. But then I thought better of it; you're not supposed to get in the middle of a girl fight if you're not a girl. There was also the fact that the white-haired girl was built like cardboard, and that Ruby's overprotective brawler sister was standing right next to them. I was just waiting for Yang to punch Little Miss Karen in the face - but then the unthinkable happened:

"Look," said Yang, "It sounds like you two just got off on the wrong foot. Why don't you start over and try to be friends, OK?"

 _Yang, you spineless traitor!_ I just about jumped in, but Jac stopped me. The mean girl kept being mean, and finished with this line:

"Besides, I have much better options when it comes to people I can 'hang out' with."

Apparently, it was right then that Yang noticed Lilly standing there, and she looked really uncomfortable. Ruby, tragically oblivious to the blood feud around her, cheerfully greeted her.

"Ruby," said Yang, "I really don't think we should - "

"'Sup, losers," I was about to say as I started to butt in, but then I was so kindly interrupted by Professor Ozpin, who apparently thought his boring speech was somehow more important than my impending roast of the two offenders. Friggin' Ozpin.

So, yeah. He speeched his speech. It was actually kind of weird. That bit about 'wasted potential' really hit home; it reminded me of my early years. Anyway, Lilly definitely saw me, and she gave me the stink eye. Then we all went and ate some food, but that part's boring, so I'll just skip it. Then we went into the ballroom, where everyone was apparently going to be sleeping. The thing was, though: we were a whole bunch of horny teenagers being forced to spend twelve hours together in relatively close proximity, and wearing our nightwear.

Jesus said that we're not supposed to commit adultery in our hearts, and _damn_ , was I a disobedient boy that night.

In my defense, literally everyone was in top shape, and there were yoga pants EVERYWHERE. Friggin' Yang was in her underwear! (Well, Yang's always in her underwear, but still!)

Now, y'all are probably wondering what I was doing that night, besides staring at random girls' asses. Obviously, I was doing the only reasonable thing to do when surrounded by a plethora of very attractive females: beating the shit out of my friends. Jac, Woodie, Yang, and I got into a four-way wrestling free-for-all that put all the other paltry physical displays to shame. It was EPIC! Woodie squashed me, of course, and Jac got suplexed by Yang. Then it was just Woodie and Yang going at it, and it was gonna be even EPICER when -

 _"Students!"_ Professor Goodwitch bellowed, cowing everyone into submission. She yelled at us about "proper conduct" and how we would have plenty of time to beat the shit out of each other later (assuming we passed Initiation). Then she untangled Woodie and Yang with her telekinesis Semblance. Cas took the opportunity to voice his opinion:

"Glynda Goodwitch's Semblance is OP!" he said for all to hear. "She needs to be _nerfed!_ "

Goodwitch just rolled her eyes as she scooched Woodie and Yang to opposite sides of the ballroom.

"All in favor of nerfing Professor Goodwitch, say 'aye'!"

"Aye!" Me, Jac, Woodie, and Yang all said. We were pretty sure Goodwitch was holding in her laughter as she left. It was a bit of a running joke that Cas had going, as the professor had personally mentored him for some time during our days at Signal. Because of her, he had achieved a mastery of his own Semblance that none of us could hope to match. Goodwitch knew that this was just Cas's way of thanking her and letting her know that she was his greatest hero.

Things calmed down after that. Woodie entertained everyone willing to pay attention with an argument that cannibalism is acceptable in some cases. Then he started talking about how it technically _isn't_ cannibalism if a Faunus eats a human (or vice versa) because they are different species, but Cas and I then pointed out that humans and Faunus are capable of producing fertile offspring, and that Woodie himself was living proof of that fact. Woodie wouldn't budge, and so the debate raged on until somebody cut the lights out and we all went to sleep. Well, I did, at least; I'm known for falling asleep before everyone else.


	3. We are cheaters, and proud of it

So, yeah. We woke up. Well, actually, I woke up. Having gone to sleep early, as I do, I found that I could not remain in my crappy sleeping bag any longer. Also, I was thirsty. I crawled out of my scratchy cocoon of discomfort like a mentally retarded butterfly and reached for my water bottle - oh, yeah, I should probably mention that I carry my water bottle with me pretty much everywhere. Because hydration. I need it. Anyway, I reached for my water bottle, only to find that it was not where I had last put it. That wouldn't have been a problem, except that it was four in the morning and pitch-ass black. So I sat up and reached elsewhere, but it was nowhere to be found. Dammit.

I got out my scroll and very briefly turned on the flashlight for a quick scan around the room. I heard a few noises from the other students; I'm pretty sure someone said something like "pancakes" or something. I felt a little bad for the disturbance, but then I didn't, because bitch, I'm thirsty!

I caught a glimmer of silver about fifteen feet away. Shit...it had rolled away. I didn't want to turn on my scroll again, so I just started creeping my way over to it on all fours, carefully stepping over other students as I went. Eventually, I got to where I last remembered seeing the bottle, and reached for it. Unfortunately, what I thought was my water bottle was somebody's leg. I quickly retracted my hand, coming to the reluctant conclusion that I would indeed need my scroll again. A brief flash of light showed me that I had arrived a few feet short of grabbing distance, so I inched my way over and managed to grab it without disturbing anybody. I silently thanked the Lord for His extra dolloping of common grace upon my very much undeserving self as I stealthily began my retreat back towards my sleeping bag -

\- and too late, I saw the monstrous, dark figure rise up in front of me. I collided face first into what took me a second to register as boobs.

"Hurp!" I went, and I fell on my butt.

"Sorry!" I heard a hushed whisper, and the figure shrunk back, undoubtedly as mortified as I was.

"Sorry..." I whispered back as I slunk away with my water bottle, hoping that whoever I almost motorboated wouldn't recognize me when daylight came.

I chugged all the water that was left in there, and then pretended to be asleep until everybody else woke up.

* * *

The Boiz were chilling in the locker room. We didn't talk about the Plan, because we already knew it and because we didn't want anyone to know that we were cheating.

Oh yeah - now would probably be a good time to elaborate on just what the Plan was.

See, Beacon's initiation process is kept pretty well under wraps, but it's a well-known fact that teams aren't decided beforehand. Apparently, Professor Ozpin has this crazy idea that forcing people who probably don't know each other to be on a team for the next four years is absolutely genius. The problem with this is that we are the Boiz. We're pretty much a team already: we've fought together, hung out together, formulated strategies and honed debate skills together - all that kind of stuff. We don't want to break up the Boiz, because that would suck balls. We needed a way to make sure that we all got on the same team.

Enter Bristle Whitemoonshine. Bristle is the leader of Team Badge; they're a year ahead of of us, and they were kind of like our big brother team back at Signal. Now, if there's one thing Bristle's good at (well, there's a lot of things he's good at), it's sticking his nose where he's not supposed to and getting away with it. _Somehow_ , he was able to find out what Beacon's initiation process was going to be this year, and spilled the secret to us. We had thus made plans accordingly...which I will reveal to you later, because I'm an asshole. Also I want to show off all our cool weapons now.

We were all talking about what velociraptors probably would've sounded like when we saw Ruby walk past.

"'Sup," said Jac with a cool nod.

"Oh! Hey, uh..." Her eyes darted from side to side, clearly trying to remember his name.

"Jac."

"Jac! Right, got it, heh...so, um...have you guys seen Yang?"

"Uhhh..." We hadn't.

"It's okay, I'll probably find her on my own..."

Jac gave her the thumbs up as she started to leave, then mecha-shifted his weapon into its compact carrying form.

Ruby froze at the sound. She turned around, a new glint in her eyes. "What's that?"

Jac saw what she was looking down at, and then remembered what she was really into. He grinned and brandished his mighty sword, extending it to display its full size.

 _"Whoa..."_ Ruby could not help but stare in awe at the impressive display; I'm pretty sure I saw a line of drool forming at the corner of her mouth. "That - that's actually really good craftsmanship!" And then it was all over. Ruby just spouted off one question after another about the admittedly very impressively-built Malacandra, Jac's single-edged broadsword/fully-automatic gauss rifle.

It was a notably different discourse then when last weapons had been discussed between us, about five or so months prior. Then, Ruby had just gone off on this wandering, long-winded rant about the history of something (complete with charts and diagrams) that I subsequently forgot about, before finally getting around to asking us about our own weapons and fighting styles. By that point, we were kind of asleep, and so our descriptions went something like, "Uh...a gun-sword," or, "Swords," or, "A sword."

This time, though, Ruby was getting _us_ to talk, a marked improvement from when we last discoursed. Well, I say "us", but it was mostly Jac, since he had the biggest sword. Bigger might not always be better, but when it comes to impressing one's female counterparts...

Speaking of females, I noticed that something was tickling my face. I briefly did a double-take and frantically pawed my face, terrified that I was being attacked by a cobweb. Yes, it's true: I am scared of cobwebs. Why, I cannot say, any more than why the moon is broken. Turns out it wasn't a cobweb, thank goodness, but rather a very long strand of red hair. I remembered my early morning escapade, and made a mental note to watch out for a chick with long, red hair (and not to mention a substantial bust).

"Hey, uh, uh - short guy with the ponytail!"

Oh shit - that was me. "Quack," I responded.

"You're name's 'Quack'?" Ruby questioned.

"Yes," said Jac. "His name is 'Quack'."

I should've know he'd do that. Friggin' Jac. "Nah, it's Elias. You can call me E, tho."

"Got it! Elias, Elias..." She repeated the name for good measure. "So, what kinda weapon do you have?"

Always more than happy to show off my own sword(s), I whipped mine out, letting them accentuate my hardened, toned muscles. "Right here," I said as I twirled the two short swords, "are my fellow warriors, Locust and Mud Wasp." I showed off their Dust compartments, and how they could mecha-shift into sabres.

"It...doesn't have a gun?"

"Nah, I suck at guns. Besides, it'd ruin the balance. But! It can do _this._ "

And I clicked the two pommels together, the handles mecha-shifting to elongate the combined weapon into a double-bladed sword staff. "Meet: Scherzo!"

"Wait," said Ruby. "You have different names...for the same weapon?"

"Yeh. I mean, why not?"

Woodie, who had appeared to be brooding up until that point but had apparently been listening in the whole time, turned to us and shook his head with a disappointed sigh. "It's wrong, I know," he addressed Ruby's uncertain look. "I keep telling him that it's against the Rules, but he just doesn't listen."

"It's a free country, bruh!" I brilliantly counter-argued. Then Woodie started showing off his giant-ass gauntlets. Honestly, those things are more like armored battering rams attached to his arms than gauntlets. He showed Ruby the Dust-cannon in the left gauntlet, and the heavy-duty grappling wire coiled up in the right. It was right then that Yang showed up.

"Oh! Yang! There you are," Ruby piped up. "Sorry, I - their weapons are just so cool!"

Yang sent an approving smile our way. "Hey, sis, let's talk for a sec, huh?"

They were about to go when Ruby whirled around. "Wait!" She looked at Cas, who was just sitting there boringly. "Hey, uh - aren't you the one that Professor Goodwitch taught?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah," Cas said, like it was no biggie.

"Wow...so, you're supposed to be, like, really good, right?"

"I'm pretty good, I guess," he shrugged, but there was a smug glint in his eyes. We all forced back grins; he knew damn well just how good he was, and it was hilarious watching him thrash his opponents. Ruby, being Ruby, didn't notice any of this.

"So - what's your weapon? Can I see it?"

"Sure." Cas took out his sabre. It was a sabre.

"Ooohh...neato! It's real pretty."

"Eh, yeah. It's not much, but it's all I need, really." He wasn't wrong. Greenflame did have a Dust compartment, as well as a flare gun in the handle, but that was about it.

"So," said Yang, "You boys about done showing off your big swords to my baby sister?"

Jac, Cas, and I grinned dumbly.

"Oh, yeah," Jac said. "Yup, definitely."

"Well," I added, "Woody showed off his hands - uh, _gauntlets_ , but yeh."

"She liked Jac's the best, though," said Cas, pointing his finger intellectually.

"Yeah," said Yang, "That's understandable - it _is_ the biggest, after all."

Ruby finally seemed to realize that there was some sort of joke that she was at the butt of, but couldn't quite piece things together.

"Well, I'll see y'all losers at Initiation!" Yang said as she turned and left. Ruby stood for a moment longer before it finally clicked for her.

 _"Yaaaaaang!"_ she yelled angrily as she chased after her sister. Hi-fives all around.

We just sat there some more, talking about dumb stuff. Then we got bored and decided to go somewhere else, as we were already suited up for combat. We stepped into the hallway. There were three girls in the hallway walking ahead of us, and I immediately recognized two of them as Lilly and the mean girl from yesterday. I also recognized the third as Pyrrha Nikos, as I had seen some of her combat videos.

"Is that... _Weiss Schnee?_ " I heard Woodie mutter. I knew there was only one person of the three that he could've been referring to.

"Wait - _Schnee?_ " I asked subduedly. "As in, the SDC?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"Oh, lordy. So, wait - is she like, related to the CEO or something?"

Woodie looked absolutely dumbfounded. "Dude, she's the Heiress to the whole company!"

"Oh." See, I don't really keep up with the family relations of famous people; I'm more of an "actual news" type of guy when it comes to staying informed. Like, I know the name Jacques Schnee, but I don't pay much attention to his wife or kids. Ah, well. "Guess that explains how she got into Beacon."

The Heiress, who was maybe twenty feet away, stopped right where she was and whirled around. Once again, I had forgotten that when you sound like a bass clarinet on crack, your voice carries. She marched up to us, her head doing this little bobbing-to-each-side kind of thing as she did. It reminded me of middle school girls who thought they were important. It was funny. Lilly and Pyrrha followed too, though markedly less aggressive in demeanor.

"Would you care to explain your comment?" she said icily, looking us all over. I realized that she didn't know which one of us had made said comment, so I decided to have some fun.

"What, that you're the Heiress to the SDC? I don't think that really needs explaining." I let a toothy grin crack through. My friends behind me prepared for the inevitable showdown. The Schnee's face briefly contorted, but then settled into her own grin - dangerously so, I might add.

"Ah, so it was _you_ , then." Aw, hell - she'd obviously be able to pick out my smecksy voice. Somehow I didn't think of that. "I will ask once again: would you _care_ to explain your comment? And do not think I will be fooled by your commoner's wordplay so easily."

Bitch, I am bourgeoisie to the core. I listen to Brahms!

"Aight, then. What I meant was that you probably got into Beacon because your daddy's rich, while the rest of us had to work our asses off to get here."

 _"Hooooooooof!"_ Jac exclaimed as he dabbed epically. Woodie smiled - which seldom happens, he's not the edgelord for nothing - and crossed his arms. The only person who didn't seem to have my back was Cas, because he's smart and realizes that picking fights with people you don't know is a bad idea. He just kinda stood to the side and waited for the shitshow to blow over.

I saw that Weiss Schnee did not seem to like my explanation. _Aw, come on, that's not fair - I did exactly what she asked me to!_ Lilly didn't seem happy either, but she doesn't like me anyway, so I didn't care. Pyrrha Nikos just seemed uncomfortable.

"You - _how dare -_ " But then Weiss Schnee stopped, and her eyes got this really hard look in them. She came up a little closer to me and pointed her finger, like, two inches from my face. I just kept smiling; she really was not very intimidating. Ever since my days at Yeets, I had learned to steel myself against this kind of psychic warfare. All I had to do was look confident and remember that I could probably snap this girl's neck with my bare hands.

If it came to it, that is. I'm not a psycho or anything.

"You know nothing about me," she hissed. "And you have _no_ idea what I have gone through to get where I am today." Oh, wow - was this getting personal? Well, I wasn't gonna back down; I'd been doing that all my life.

"I know that you go after nice people and scream at them for no reason. Remember yesterday? Oh, yeah...we were there."

Weiss seemed shocked, but again quickly reclaimed her footing.

"That _dolt_ doesn't even belong here! She deserved every - "

" _She_ wanted to be left alone, and you went after her anyway." Jac wasn't laughing anymore; he knew what I was talking about. "I've dealt with people like that for years, and I don't like seeing them walk all over others like they did to me. I may not know what your sob story is, but I think I've seen enough of you to make my call."

"She's a Schnee," Woodie snorted. "What did you expect?"

In case you couldn't tell, Woodie does not like Schnees.

"Knock it off, Elias!" Lilly jumped to Weiss's defense. "She - "

"Oh-ho, Lilly! We meet again," I guffawed, pretending to have just noticed her. "To think I had eyes for you once. I might have known that you'd be lackey to this alabaster fiend." The words just rolled off my tongue; I was as surprised as everyone else, especially as I'd never before been so bold as to speak to Lilly that way before. I'd just avoided her until then. Not gonna lie, tho - I was still kinda salty at how Lilly treated me in the past, and just because someone else decided to be friends with me.

Anyway, we were all even more surprised when Pyrrha actually stepped in between us. _Dang it_...and the Heiress was about to explode on us all over again, too.

"Now, then," she said, clearly hoping to avoid said explosion. "I am certain there is more to each side than any of us can see at the moment. Perhaps this can be discussed in more civil terms - "

 _"All first year students are to report to Beacon Cliff,"_ Friggin' Glynda Goodwitch interrupted. _"Again, all first year students are to report to Beacon Cliff."_

" - and at a later time. Especially considering that some of us may end up on the same team today."

The Boiz just looked at each other with dumb smiles. We knew what was coming.

Weiss looked mad. Lilly looked extra-mad. I probably looked really stupid with that giant grin on my face, but it was worth it watching them leave in a huff. Lilly was telling Weiss something about all of us being jerks or something. Eh. Pyrrha was pretty unreadable as she turned and left, her long, red hair swishing behind her. Well, I say unreadable, but I've never really been all that great at -

Pyrrha had long, red hair.

_Oh, shit._

"Uh, E?" said Jac. "You alright there?"

"Uh. Yeah. No. Uh, yeah, I'm good."

"OK. Let's go, guys."

I had almost motorboated a champion fighter.

FML.

* * *

Anyway, we went to the cliff. It was nice outside. There were trees and stuff. And, uh...you know.

We got on the big springboard things. Professor Ozpin was talking about what we were gonna have to do, how we would be forming teams today, the first person you made eye contact with was your partner, blah blah blah...

We already knew all of this, but we didn't want Professor Ozpin to know that, so we pretended to pay very close attention like everyone else was.

I heard Ruby yelp out, "What?!" at the partner thing. Poor kid. I wish we could've at least let her and Yang in on the secret, but we couldn't afford to risk anyone else finding out. Sorry, Ruby...bros before hoes.

What was more troubling was some other girl claimed to have known of this beforehand. I really hoped she was just BS-ing, because if she had heard it from us -

"Are there any questions?" Ozpin finally asked.

Woodie enacted the keeping-up-appearances part of our completely foolproof plan:

"Question, Sir!" he yelled out like a military cadet, but then Ozpin went:

"Good! Now, take your positions."

Woodie looked confused for a second, then shrugged. His planned question - what happens if the first person they make eye contact with already has a partner - wouldn't have really gone amiss, as it was very likely something like that could happen. It wasn't really all that relevant in our case, though.

We had planned for this.

We were all the way down at the end, so we went first.

 _"HEEEE-YAAAWWWWW!"_ I screamed as I went flying into the air. I heard the telltale noise of Jac's rocket boots as I flew, and I saw Cas -

Oh yeah, I forgot. Jac has rocket boots.

You know what, I forgot to tell you a lot of things in the first chapter, so I'll just do that now while I'm flying through the air.

First thing's first: our combat outfits. Jac's got on a full suit of mecha-shift armor; it kinda looks like Master Chief's except lighter and without the helmet. The armor comes in three parts: breastplate, belt, and boots. They compact into a smaller form when he's not wearing them so that they're easier to store. When he puts them on, he first puts on the breastplate, then the boots, then the belt. The belt activates this magnetic mechanism thing or something, and that makes the armor shift to cover his torso and most of his arms and legs. Honestly, it never gets old watching him put that on. For his rocket boots, which I mentioned a paragraph ago, he uses this mixture of fire, wind, and gravity Dust that serves as a really effective propellant. Not only that, but it's actually really effective in a fight, as he can just blast people in the face with a rocket boot kick.

My outfit consists of -

OK, this chapter's getting too damn long. Screw outfits, I'm just gonna wrap this shit up real quick. We'll save it for next chapter or something, I don't know.

Anyway, as I descended, I activated the wind Dust the chambers of Locust and Mud Wasp, right where the handles meet the hilts. The Dust made this big gust of wind that slowed my descent considerably, and also put me on a path towards a nice, thicc branch. I switched my swords to sabre form and faced the blunt ends forwards. They caught on the branch, and I swung forwards in a triple twisting backflip to land on another branch. Then I just hopped my way down and touched down on the ground.

Before I did anything else, I took out my secret weapon: a blindfold. I put it on. I could still kinda see through it so that I saw where I was going, but I technically could not make eye contact with anyone. First part of the Plan: completed! Hehe.

So then I started walking while bellowing my friends' names at the top of my lungs, and listening for any sounds of approach, hostile or otherwise. Sure enough, I heard something coming - someone, by the sound of it. Kinda light on their feet, though...I kept my guard up.

I heard them come out of the bush. I whipped around, but not completely, so that I wasn't facing them.

"Who goes there?" I roared. "State thy name!"

"Uh..." A girl's voice spoke up shyly. "M-my names Honey - "

 _"NO!"_ I screamed. I then let out a loud screech and Naruto-ran into the forest.


	4. The boiz in the woods

I ran until I figured I had lost whoever that girl was. I felt a little bad about screaming and running away, because I figured it might have hurt her feelings. And also because she might have been super hot, and getting a super hot female partner would've been awesome! But then I didn't feel bad, because maintaining the sacred integrity of the Boiz was of far greater import than finding a happy-hole for my penis. Sorry, random girl...bros before hoes.

Anyway, I ran into a tree branch. It hurt. I fell over.

"Elias," greeted the tree branch. Then I realized it wasn't a tree branch. It was Woodie's extended arm, which was actually a pretty close resemblance now that I think of it.

"Bruh," I said. I took off my blindfold. He had taken his off, too. We made eye contact.

We were partners. Noice.

"For once," said Woodie, "your imitation of the mating call of a Retarded Mexican Sasquatch came in handy."

"That's not what that was!" I protested, disappointed in my friend's evident lack of culture. "I was doing the noise that the Wild Animu Grill makes when agitated! _This_ is the wild mating call of the - "

"Don't you dare, Elias. Don't you fucking dare, I will strangle you."

Woodie is a snake-Faunus - a _snake_ -Faunus - as well as a brawling spirit wrapped in 190 pounds of muscle and rage. If he gets a chokehold on you, then you are dead. Well, unless you have Yang's Semblance, but even _she_ almost couldn't get out.

Suffice it to say, I did NOT fucking dare.

So now that we're both just standing here and have a whole-ass chapter's worth of space to fill with my bullshit, I figure now's the perfect time to talk more about our get-ups.

My outfit consists of a silver breastplate, with smaller plates of matching color covering my elbows, forearms, and shins, as well as a mag-lock belt for my weapons and extra Dust cartridges. The breastplate doesn't reach very far past my ribcage, a sacrifice I made in favor of mobility. Underneath the armor, I wear a dark green long-sleeved shirt, steel-toed combat boots (because nutshots), and baggy green camo pants. Why the baggy camo pants, you ask? Because I like them. That's why.

Woodie wears a light kevlar combat vest over an old shirt that he ripped the sleeves off of, and he also wears baggy camo pants. The choice makes sense for him, though, because the rest of his outfit is camo, too. His camo is more brown than green, though. His vest carries ammo for his Dust cannon gauntlet, as well as for his collapsible sniper rifle, which he also has slung over his back at all times. He says it's to give him a ranged advantage, but we all know it's really just because he's the edgelord.

And Cas

isn't here yet, so we'll talk about him later. Also, I wanted to show off me and Woodie slapping the shit out of some Grimm.

We were standing in the little clearing when we heard a growl. Apparently, Woodie had not been the only one who used my Wild Animu Grill screech to determine my general location. Six Ursai came out of the trees, surrounding us.

We shared a sadistic grin.

Prey.

 _"YIKI-KIKI-KIKI-KIKI-KIKI - "_ I hollered as I launched myself towards the Ursa directly in front of me with a double front flip. As my body gyrated epically, I combined Locust and Mud Wasp into Scherzo's staff form, while shifting the blades into sabre form. The weapon finished its transformation just before I brought it down on the creature's nose. Predictably, it bellowed in pain and reared up on its hind legs to avoid future attacks on its face. It exposed its neck in doing so, which I then julienned in a rapid succession of spinning slashes. The other two then charged me at the same time, so I just rolled to the side and let them crash into each other. It was hilarious.

Man, I really love my job.

As the two beasts struggled to untangle themselves, I made short work of the larger one's back legs. What with the momentum of its companion, it fell backwards onto my blade that I had planted into the ground. The final Ursa seemed to get a grip on things, and charged at me with a swipe. I swung the curved blade of Scherzo upwards to meet it, slashing right through its paw as I stepped back. I then shifted the other blade into shortsword form as I brought it up to impale the Grimm through the abdomen. I slashed further upwards with a very satisfying _squelch_ and knocked the corpse off my blade with a efforted kick.

I would describe Woodie's fight as well, but that would require me having paid attention to it. I did get to see the end, though: I saw him riding the back of the last remaining Ursa with his grappling cord lassoed around its neck. He raised his left fist up and activated the Iguanodon spikes -

Oh yeah, I forgot. Woodie's gauntlets have one other feature that he actually did show to Ruby earlier on, and I just forgot to bring it up. Each weapon has a retractable spike on the outer side, sort of like downward-stabbing daggers. I call them the Iguanodon spikes, because the Iguanodon - you know what, just Google "iguanodon", you'll see what I'm talking about. Anyway - though the spikes can inflict some nasty gashes in a fistfight, he mainly uses them to finish off Grimm by hammer-striking them on the head.

Which is exactly what he did to the Ursa.

The crack of metal splitting apart bone never gets old.

When it's a Grimm, that is. I'm not a psycho or anything.

We stood among the disintegrating corpses of our foes like the utter badasses we...

...were then suddenly interrupted by the giant-ass SNEK that we saw barrelling towards us, knocking down trees as it went.

Aw, hell nah. We noped the fuck out of there.

In our defense, it was probably one of the biggest King Taijitus on record - maybe even bigger than _any_ on record. That was the first thing that spooked us.

The second was that it only had one head. King Taijitus usually have two, so this was a very strange case indeed. And when it came to the Grimm, strange cases usually meant very bad things.

But the third thing - the broken pieces of Huntsmen-grade weaponry sticking out of its back - pretty much spoke for itself.

Fuck that - this was a job for Cas! Or maybe Jac, but only if Cas had already gotten eaten or something.

So anyway, me and Woodie ran away like little bitches, hoping that the big SNEK wouldn't get us. Woodie quickly turned and fired an ice-Dust round, hitting it in the face before resuming his sprint. All that really did was distract it for a couple of seconds, and then it kept on coming. This wouldn't have been a problem if it wasn't a LOT faster than us, which it was.

"Might wanna use your Semblance?" Woodie panted as death in SNEK form rapidly gained on us.

"Won't do any good against something that big!" I responded as I ducked a tree branch, whose tree subsequently splintered under a tide of black scales.

"How bout...we fight it out, do whatever we can to it until someone comes to help?"

" _If_ someone comes," I said, but I whirled around with him. The coiling monstrosity charged headlong, narrowly missing us as we jumped to each side. I rammed Scherzo into a chink in the moving mass, yelping as I was then pulled along. The thing didn't even seem to notice, which was either very good or very bad. I detached my weapons, freeing Locust as Mud Wasp was buried into my quarry, and then stabbed the former into its scales as well. As the SNEK writhed about in its quest to eat Woodie (how ironic that would be), who was doing a most excellent job of distracting it, I hatched a plan. I would stab my way up the giant's neck until I got to the head, and then I'd go for the eyeballs.

 _Go for the nuts_ , my mentor Parsnip always told me, _and_ _if it doesn't have nuts, then go for the eyeballs!_

I was fairly certain that this thing didn't have nuts, and if it did, I did not want to be anywhere near enough to stab them.

That would prerequisite me _seeing_ them. Hell, nah.

So anyway, I started stabbing. As I did, I noticed that each of the scales was approximately the size of my breastplate - another reminder of just how screwed me and Woodie were.

Speaking of that, I made it about three stabs before the SNEK scraped past a tree and inadvertently smashed my face into it. This not only ruined my brilliant plan, but also separated me from my weapons. Which really sucked balls. Big, ugly SNEK balls.

I just barely dodged a flying Woodie, who then proceeded to eat, by my rough estimation, four pounds of dirt as he simultaneously face-planted and skidded across the ground. I helped him up, just in time to see our SNEK friend with what I am very sure was an enormous, shit-eating grin as it reared up to a height of A HUNDRED FEET - _AND WITH COILS TO SPARE!_ \- and prepared to kill us with its face.

The last thing I thought as doom came crashing down towards us was that it technically had a smecksy-Huntsman-eating grin on its face...

...

And the first thing I thought after that was, "Where the hell _were_ you, Cas?!"

Before I explain what happened next (no, we did not die), I will take some time to elaborate on Cas's stupidly OP Semblance, especially considering _what exactly_ happened next.

Cas's Semblance is called "Rhomboids". I am not going to explain to you what a rhomboid is, partly because I'm lazy and I don't want to, but mostly due to the fact that if you do _not_ know what a rhomboid is, then you are an idiot and you need to retake your fourth grade geometry class.

Anyway, he has the ability to conjure - you guessed it - _rhomboids_ , composed of pure Aura. The size and strength of said rhomboids depends on how much Aura he puts into them when he conjures them. Does that sound lame? Yes, it absolutely does, but that's because I haven't FINISHED YET, YOU GEOMETRICALLY ILLITERATE NINCOMPOOP!

The thing is, Cas doesn't only have the ability to conjure these Aura rhomboids; he can also _move_ them, and he can do it as fast as his own mind can process it. Now, there are limitations as to _how_ he can move them: he can slide them only along their particular plane of existence, or rotate them along either of their axes of existence. What's more, is that he can do only one of those two things at a time on a given rhomboid. Even with these limitations, it's a pretty useful combat ability: he can use a rhomboid for either attack or defense, and they're _great_ for conjuring on the floor to trip people with. It also makes for a good ranged attack, especially if he augments it with Dust.

All this makes Cas a pretty powerful and utilitarian combatant, even assuming that he could only conjure one rhomboid at a time. Unfortunately, that's just the thing with his Semblance.

He can conjure as many of the damn things as he wants.

Oh, yeah - and he can _also_ move every single one of them _at the same time_.

If you are not at least aware that the tactical possibilities a Semblance like this presents are nothing short of tremendous, then you are, by definition, not an intellectual. In fact, you are probably the exact opposite of an intellectual, whatever that might be.

Now, all this might not be _so_ bad if Cas's Semblance was in the hands of someone stupid (like you), or even someone who wasn't stupid, but not exactly an evil mastermind (like me or Yang). We simply wouldn't be able to process all the tactical possibilities. Unfortunately, an evil mastermind is _exactly_ what Cas is, which means that he can think of a whole lot more ways to screw with people than any of us could.

Take everything I have said thus far about Cas and his Semblance. Now consider that he has been training with said Semblance as his primary method of kicking other people's shit in since he was twelve, and under the tutelage of Professor Glynda Friggin' Goodwitch herself during his final year at Signal.

You see why I said that Cas's Semblance is stupidly OP?!

The worst part about it is that he freaking _loves_ being stupidly OP. He'll get this grin, see, and it's like he's saying, "I don't wanna brag, but you have absolutely no chance against me - none whatsoever." It wouldn't be so infuriating if he wasn't always right about it!

Ah, well. The important thing is that he's one of the Boiz, and so when he does make use of his OP-ness, it's usually to save our sorry asses.

Like he just did right then.

Cas can do a whole lot of stuff with his Semblance, but that isn't to say that he doesn't have his favorite moves. One of said favorite moves involves dealing with very large Grimm. What he likes to do is get the Grimm moving at a fast pace - usually by having it chase one of us around. Once that happens, Cas will conjure a gigantic rhomboid pointing directly at the creature like a spear, and then infuse it with earth- or ice-Dust.

In the case of our slithering friend, he infused the rhomboid with a combination of earth and fire.

Thus it came to pass, that Sammy the SNEK sadly ended his own life on a lance of burning lava...and all for the chance of a SNEK snack. It was almost tragic...

...except that Woodie and I had been said intended snack.

Cas hopped onto the ground from the conjured platform he'd been levitating on, then shook his head disappointedly. We then saw Jac leap down from a tree branch, his boots hitting the ground with a clanking, metallic _THUD_. He looked at the dead SNEK, and then at Cas.

"I coulda gotten that," he said. Cas shrugged.

"Eh, too slow."

Jac wasn't wrong, as a matter of fact. See, his Semblance is -

NO, NO, _NO!_ I am DONE writing about Semblances for this chapter! Jac has a stupid-ass Semblance anyway, IMO.

Anyway, we all just stood around for a few seconds.

"Guess we're a team now," I finally spoke up.

"Not quite," said Woodie. "We gotta get the Relics first, and make sure they match."

So we went and found the temple. Nobody else had gotten there yet, which was neat. We got the relics. We made sure they matched before heading towards the bridge leading to the cliffside. Everything was going according to our plan.

Except for the ominous sound of monstrous keratin plates sliding on the grass behind us.

We all looked to each other with _very_ unsettled expressions before turning our collective, horrified gazes towards the forest.

And the gigantic SNEK, very much alive and looking _very_ pissed, that we thought we had killed not five minutes ago.


End file.
